Work drains me. Literally drains me.
I’m always running 20 minutes late and I can never get enough done in the day to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something, anything worthwhile. (Perhaps I shouldn’t be blogging while at work, but this is my “lunch” and if I have to eat my sad, soggy sandwhich at my computer, I’m going to write about it, damnit!)
Because of this constant draining, I require periodic caffeine boosts to keep me from drooling on my keyboard. So today I made a quick trip to Kroger’s for some Dr.Peppers for my co-worker and a couple of Diet DP’s for me.
I love/hate Kroger. When you first walk in, the bakery is straight ahead. And that bakery is filled with all kinds of delicious, tempting treats. It smells good, it looks good, it’s oh so tempting. Every day. I hate it.
And yet, I love it.
… I pretend that I’m buying a cake for a party and stare at all the delicious treats. I try to act impartial, as if these fattening delights aren’t for me, but for my “pretend” party people. That way the woman behind the counter won’t scrutinize the tall, but plump un-married girl whose jeans are obviously cutting into her love handles. She asks if I need any help and I politely decline. I hate the confrontation – it’s like she’s intruding on something very personal and private between me and the chocolate mousse cake. I feel dirty and I walk away.
I move on to the center tables – I look at their small, single serving cakes and pies and think, hmm, just one won’t be so bad. They’re so precious and sweet … just begging to be tasted. But all the while I feel shame covering me. I can feel the woman behind the counter staring at me. I know she knows my truth. She’s a plump girl herself – she can see the really fat girl inside of me screaming for one more cookie.
I move on to the wall, where they have the “mini” versions of brownies or pecan tarts … They have the boxes of 100 calorie oreo thin crips (really? a thin crisp oreo? what the hell is wrong with you diet food makers??) and coffee cakes and I think to myself, “Self, these are actually good sweets for you! They will help you lose weight. They have magical powers.” Oh damn, I went too far. Now I know it’s all a lie.
You see, I have an addiction. It’s called sugar. Other aliases: sweet tooth, candy queen, pastry diva … whatever you want to call it, this is my drug. And I know, if I buy that box of 100 calorie coffee cakes with 8 packages, I will eat the entire box in less than two days. It’s the awful truth. And it hurts.
The thing is I could totally make peace with my size right now if I were just concerned about vanity. But I’m not. I know that by now my insides and organs have to be covered in chocolate icing and splenda and sprinkles. That’s fine if I’m going to stay 26 forever, but from what I hear, that isn’t bloody possible. So this year I’m turning 27. And I’m so out of shape and disgustingly un-fit that something has to change.
The awful truth is this was all brought about because I played tennis on the Wii this weekend and injured my arm. Laugh if you must! But know that this is the moment it ends. This is my new year and I’m not going to waste it!
Today I walked bravely past the delicious treats and though I briefly paused at the apple pies, I soldiered on and said NO! I made a giant u-turn and went straight to the drinks. A Dr Pepper for my friend and a Diet Dr Pepper for me. And for my sweet tooth? A packet of (sugar-free) strawberry gum.
Next stop, a new dress size!
And the ability to play a video game without requiring some icy hot for my sore muscles.
(PS I know that caffeine is bad … I’m working on that one, but if I try to cut out both sweets and caffeine at the same time, I’m likely to end up in jail…)
I hate you. I just bought a slice of carrot cake at the Kroger and felt that i had accomplished a small goal today: the single serving. Clearly i have room for improvement.
How’d that gum work out for ya?! My cake was gooooood.