In my 27th year

June 11th, 2009 I turned 27. Doesn’t seem like that big a deal, but the week preceding it was sheer torture. I was major depressed, crying for literally no reason at all and down, down, down in the dumps. The weirdest thing was I had no idea it was my birthday that was causing me such distress.

Birthdays have never been too big a deal to me. Sure, while I was growing up I would have a party, beg to be showered in presents and demand all the attention on my special day. But as I’ve gotten older, and my friends have dwindled down, I don’t seem to care as much. No big party, no big cake, no big anything. No big deal. And on top of that, I have never seriously cared about the turning older thing. I mean, I’d joke about it and part of me would be a little scared, but never seriously. It never caused me grief, it never touched my heart.  27 has been different.

All in all, the actual day of my birth was pretty fun. Hung out with my mom, got pedi’s, went shopping, ate Italian – all my favorite things! Once that looming moment had passed, that minute when I officially turned older, it was like a weight had lifted from my heart. “This is it?” I thought. This is what my emotions were in such a tizzy over? Sheesh, so not a big deal.

But later that night — and the next day — and over the weekend — I began to realize, it is a big deal. 27 has affected me for some reason. I’m ready to quit “playing” grown-up and actually be one. No, this doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy drinking or going out or silly college humor. But it does mean that I have to take my actions more seriously. My impulses have gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. I love to live in the moment and while that can be good sometimes, most of the time it just means you’re being selfish and stupid. Ouch.

I am the only reason I haven’t achieved my dreams yet.

Powerful statement and oh-so true. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. I think the moment I can really live that statement, truly recognize it’s power, is the moment I can completely change my life. Be the change, be the change … this is my year. Hopefully.

My dog, Charlie

I love my dog … Charlie. He’s adorable, he loves me unconditionally, he’s been neutered. But you see that last part doesn’t seem to keep him from humping his favorite beat-up doggie toy — which is a dog, by the way – a dog that’s been ridden hard and put up wet — all day every day. My dog has no balls, but he hasn’t lost that lovin’ feeling.

It’s really gross, quite frankly. Because when he’s, um, finished, the “lipstick” is completely out. How can this feel good for him? He can’t walk while the – uh – thing is full out. He just stands there with his eyes closed while the lipstick slowly goes back into it’s home.

I thought I’d share this because right now, at this exact moment, he has finished. And he’s staring at me, feeling all ashamed, waiting for the lipstick to subside. It’s creepy. But I still love my little horn-dog, Charlie.

Thought that might be a good ending, but no … now my other dog Jackson is playing with the dog toy. Because it obviously smells, well, disgusting and I guess that’s enticing.

Dogs, much like men, are really really really gross. But we love them anyway.

Brand New

This year has just begun and it’s brand new … shiny, bright and with so much promise. There are so many things I want this year. New job, new adventure, new clients, new, new, new.

I am tired of the old. I’m ready to be brave, take risks, go crazy …

I want to be brand new.

But is it possible? I don’t know. Grr. Humility and self-realization are a long way down from pride and denial. And the fall hurts like hell. I’m to the point now that I’ve learned where my talent lies and where it does not, but even now, I cannot take stock in that talent … or rather I cannot take credit for it. I have to give it back up – to God, to the universe, to whoever or whatever has allowed to discover what I’m good at and enjoy it.  There are so many who aren’t allowed that privelege. I may not be rich, but at least I have that.

I used to live in fear that the sky was going to fall on my head, always afraid that bad things were destined for me. It was a very depressing place to be, to say the very least, and I’m glad to be on the other side – hopin, wishin, prayin and believin in good things. But there’s a balance. Life sucks, shit happens and you just have to be prepared. Shit doesn’t happen because you’re a bad person who only deserves bad things – it happens because we live in a shitty world with imperfect people all trying just to survive. People suck – and that includes you and me. But just because we all suck doesn’t mean we have to stay that way. We can change, we can rise above it, we can become better people. It takes work, a willingness to look at your flaws and not just admit them, but try to change them. It’s painful at times, but also beautiful and scary and rich and fufilling. If you’re ready (and, boy, I am), we can do it.

We can become brand new.

How to get ahead … without being an arrogant jerk

That headline is not a statement, it’s really a question.

How do you get ahead in life without turning into an arrogant jerk? Do you know?

How do humility and ambition mix? Not well, I’m finding.

I spent the vast majority of my early 20′s with a huge inferiority complex. Never thinking I was good enough, always beating myself up for the many failures in my life, never dreaming beyond a 9 to 5 job. I was depressed. Then my wise boyfriend sent me a link to a bootleg copy of “The Secret” (long before it became a big hit and was showcased on Oprah) on my 23rd birthday, and my whole philosophy changed.

I now believe that you can change your circumstances merely by changing your outlook on life. A glass half-full ideology, if you will. By focusing on the positives you open up the door for more joy and positive things to enter your life.

I can get behind this philosophy. It is how I got myself to New York. I set a goal for myself, I believed I could do it and it happened. Everything fell into place.

But the problem is, what do you do when you fail at something? Just ignore it. Move on. Focus on the positive? Really? What about self-examination? What about digging inside and finding out why you failed – and what you can do to change yourself for the better?

I’m so confused! If I focus on the positive – and ignore all the negative, all the nagging voices in my head reminding me that I’m a fuck-wit sometimes – then I can get what I want. I could probably have it all. But do I want it? Wouldn’t that be just ignoring all the yucky stuff inside of me so that I could have material worth in the world? Grrrr …

I have ambition, but do I have humility? I don’t know.

I know that I want it. I want both. I want my own business, but I also desire to walk in humilty, always aware of my shortcomings but never letting them stand in my way.

Ugh. Why can’t this be easier?

the awful truth, #1

Work drains me. Literally drains me.

I’m always running 20 minutes late and I can never get enough done in the day to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something, anything worthwhile. (Perhaps I shouldn’t be blogging while at work, but this is my “lunch” and if I have to eat my sad, soggy sandwhich at my computer, I’m going to write about it, damnit!)

Because of this constant draining, I require periodic caffeine boosts to keep me from drooling on my keyboard.  So today I made a quick trip to Kroger’s  for some Dr.Peppers for my co-worker and a couple of Diet DP’s for me.

I love/hate Kroger. When you first walk in, the bakery is straight ahead. And that bakery is filled with all kinds of delicious, tempting treats. It smells good, it looks good, it’s oh so tempting. Every day. I hate it.

And yet, I love it.

… I pretend that I’m buying a cake for a party and stare at all the delicious treats. I try to act impartial, as if these fattening delights aren’t for me, but for my “pretend” party people. That way the woman behind the counter won’t scrutinize the tall, but plump un-married girl whose jeans are obviously cutting into her love handles. She asks if I need any help and I politely decline. I hate the confrontation – it’s like she’s intruding on something very personal and private between me and the chocolate mousse cake. I feel dirty and I walk away.

I move on to the center tables – I look at their small, single serving cakes and pies and think, hmm, just one won’t be so bad. They’re so precious and sweet … just begging to be tasted. But all the while I feel shame covering me. I can feel the woman behind the counter staring at me. I know she knows my truth. She’s a plump girl herself – she can see the really fat girl inside of me screaming for one more cookie.

I move on to the wall, where they have the “mini” versions of brownies or pecan tarts … They have the boxes of 100 calorie oreo thin crips (really? a thin crisp oreo? what the hell is wrong with you diet food makers??) and coffee cakes and I think to myself, “Self, these are actually good sweets for you! They will help you lose weight. They have magical powers.” Oh damn, I went too far. Now I know it’s all a lie.

You see, I have an addiction. It’s called sugar. Other aliases:  sweet tooth, candy queen, pastry diva … whatever you want to call it, this is my drug. And I know, if I buy that box of 100 calorie coffee cakes with 8 packages, I will eat the entire box in less than two days. It’s the awful truth. And it hurts.

The thing is I could totally make peace with my size right now if I were just concerned about vanity. But I’m not. I know that by now my insides and organs have to be covered in chocolate icing and splenda and sprinkles. That’s fine if I’m going to stay 26 forever, but from what I hear, that isn’t bloody possible. So this year I’m turning 27. And I’m so out of shape and disgustingly un-fit that something has to change.

The awful truth is this was all brought about because I played tennis on the Wii this weekend and injured my arm. Laugh if you must! But know that this is the moment it ends. This is my new year and I’m not going to waste it!

Today I walked bravely past the delicious treats and though I briefly paused at the apple pies, I soldiered on and said NO! I made a giant u-turn and went straight to the drinks. A Dr Pepper for my friend and a Diet Dr Pepper for me. And for my sweet tooth? A packet of (sugar-free) strawberry gum.

Next stop, a new dress size!

And the ability to play a video game without requiring some icy hot for my sore muscles.

(PS I know that caffeine is bad … I’m working on that one, but if I try to cut out both sweets and caffeine at the same time, I’m likely to end up in jail…)